I am in AWE

Honestly

I'm trying to figure out this whole being a mom and working thing. Its hard. I imagine some of my feelings are because I spent 7 years (almost literally my last of work before having Bug was Feb 25 2005 and my first day back this year was Feb 29 2012) being devoted to my children, husband and home. Having enough hours in the day with work and family and social stuff is hard to figure out. Let alone adding in me time (AKA running) in there as well. Some days it feels like I need at least another two hours added to my day. I will not sleep less since I have worked out a very happy and well working routine on that account. I'm sure those extra hours would just get filled up with stuff.

I imagine it would easier if I had a steady shifts. I'm not an office person I don't do 9-5 type of shifts. Plus I only usually get my schedule 1 to 2 weeks in advance so I can't guarantee training days. I'm sure I could get a rough idea of what is needed each week and go from there.

Sure I found time for myself and it was easy then, honestly. I deserved the Mom's Nights Out with friends, the time it took to train for PB in races. Now I feel guilty about not coming home straight from work because if I do so I'll miss bedtime. I feel guilty when I want to take time for me because I should being spending it with my family who I now see less of. My husband is fantastic in all of this btw. He's constantly reminding me that its ok to be more than just a mom and a worker. I can be me. I should be me and keep up my running and hobbies (After all those project half done around the house need to be finished)

Is there ever a point when I will be ok with taking so much time away? I'm sure there will be and it won't be far off. After all the boys are growing up, I'm not their whole world anymore and someday they won't shout "Mommy!" when I walk in the door. I will take the time to cherish it while I can. I will try to remember that I am a better Mom when I take care of me first.

and Yes I am fully aware that is is somewhat all over the place. All 3 of my boys and Shorty are camping this weekend (I couldn't go because of work) and I miss all of them. But I will definitely be getting a run in tomorrow since I'll be on my own, guilt free.

Why I Was Gone.

What do you think when you hear depression?

I had always pictured what I saw in commercials or on tv. A person who can’t get out of bed, who does nothing but stare into space. They can’t enjoy a book; they have no desire to meet with friends. They can’t cope with life.

Well that is one degree of it. I’ve learnt that there are many ways depression can affect a person. It’s not something anyone wants to admit to. Hell I didn’t want to admit to it.  For years I’ve had something. The blues, the funks, the I don’t give a fuck, the , whatever you want to call it. It couldn’t be depression.  I was still able to live my life. I was able to get up and out of bed in the morning. I was able to enjoy a funny show. I was able to hold conversations. Clearly I wasn’t depressed. It didn’t matter that I was exhausted all the time. It didn’t matter that I spent more time sad and lost than happy. It didn’t matter that after talking on the phone I went into a mindless mode and wanted to do nothing. It wasn’t depression. I would be fine, I would get out of this funk or whatever it was and things would go back to normal. I just had to ride out this period of time.

This last round I call the I don’t give a fucks. Unless it affected me and I had to do something I didn’t give a fuck. It came crashing down before Christmas. I should have realized that it was starting when I didn’t want to and didn’t put the normal effort into the holidays. Then the New Year came and it was all hard. I had to force myself to get my kids to school rather than keeping them home so I didn’t have to put in any real effort.

I had to change things. I didn't want to see where it was headed. With help I started getting happy again. Funnily enough it took me asking for help and getting a job to really overcome it this time. I think my biggest thing this time around was that I wasn’t where I thought I would be when I was going to be turning 30. I was a stay at home mom who’s life revolved around my children and my husband. I thought I would have been more at this point. So I took the chance and got myself more.

Its part time work in retail right now, and its interesting and always changing. I sell wine and there’s always so much to learn. But I’m getting out there. I’m meeting new people. Life is definitely busier with now having 4 schedules going on in our house but it works. Hubs has stepped up wonderfully and I’m so thankful for him keeping up with my crazies as we call it. It’s been a slow road and its improving bit by bit. My children can tell Mommy is happier and is less moody. I’ve become more willing to try new things (not a lot more but enough) I’m actually getting better at time management and organizing. Mostly since I think I have to be in order to be at work for hours and then still have most of the at home things that need to be done.

I’m now sad hardly ever and I’m smiling way more. I’m doing more with my days. I’m not lost so much anymore and I have energy again. I’ve even been slowly getting back into running and reading everyone’s blogs again. Yeah I had given those up in my funk as well.

I’m putting one foot in front of the other again and moving forward.